


As you surface from the dark

by Beleriandings



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode 50, Gen, late-night therapy conversations, platonic snuggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 22:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beleriandings/pseuds/Beleriandings
Summary: Team Cleric have a talk, during the night they spent in the geode cave.





	As you surface from the dark

**Author's Note:**

> Set within episode 50 and containing spoilers up to that point. Title is a lyric from the song [You Are The Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WJKiUW3kOI) by the Hush Sound.

At first Caduceus isn’t sure what awoke him. But a moment after he’s lifted out of a dream - a fleeting confluence of shadows and vague worry that he can’t remember much of - there it is again: a sort of muffled, shuddering, breathy sound. It’s coming from within the dome of amber light, only a few feet away. 

He recognises it immediately as the sound of someone stifling a sob. He raises his head to see Jester’s shoulders shake, before going quickly still as she hears him moving. Her eyes are closed, and Sprinkle is draped around her neck like a scarf, and her breathing is even suddenly.

It’s a very good impression of sleep, Caduceus thinks. She’s good at pretending. But she _is_ pretending, and that might be a problem, if he’s any judge. 

He looks around. Everyone else is quiet. It’s so quiet down here in the tunnels in general, at least when there’s nothing to fight. And without their voices ringing against the roughly carved stone walls, it’s even quieter. 

He looks around at the others again. Caleb and Nott are curled loosely together with a little space left between them; usually, Frumpkin sleeps there, but now the cat is somewhere outside the bounds of their dome, watching for any danger that might come. Beau is lying sprawled on her front by the wall, her face shoved into her bundled cloak as a pillow, as though to block out the world for a while. She’s wrapped up in a blanket which Nugget seems to have stolen most of, curled up beside her. Yasha’s lying with her back to the others, facing outwards with a hand on her sword, and Fjord is on his back, legs crossed like he's in a hammock at sea, one arm slung over his face. 

And Jester’s lying there curled up tight, her tail looped around her body like the tiny dormice that used to live under the eaves of the temple back home. 

The point of her tail twitches just a little under his gaze. He edges forward to sit beside her. “Jester,” he whispers, quiet enough that the others can’t hear. 

She sighs softly, not raising her head. “What is it, Caduceus? I’m sleeping.”

“…Are you?”

“ _Duh_. I’m talking in my sleep right now.”

He says nothing, just waits, letting the silence fill with his skepticism at that. It takes just a moment. She knows him well enough now, after all. She stays tucked up in a ball but shifts a little as she speaks in a small voice. “Sorry I woke you. You need to rest.”

“So do you” he says, a little pointedly. “And you can’t seem to, not like this. Would talking help?”

She turns and looks up at him for the first time. Her face is glistening with tears in the soft amber glow inside the dome, her eyes puffy. She sniffs, scrubbing at her eyes with her sleeve. “…I don’t want to wake the others.”

He gestures around. “They’re all exhausted, out like lights after all that walking. They shouldn’t wake, not if we’re quiet.”

She sits up, nodding and swiveling her body so she’s facing him. Again, she scrubs at her eyes, hesitating a little. 

“Do you want me to make some tea?” he asks, because that’s usually his go-to for situations like this. Of which he’s encountered quite a few recently. 

She shakes her head. “No” she whispers. “That would make noise, and we’d have to go outside of here.” She looks up at the ceiling of the dome, past the lip of the stone wall Caduceus had shaped into a loose barrier to ward off casual attention from their little magical shelter, as camouflaged as it was. _Always better to be safe_. Her eyes go higher, up to the apex of the dome, above which, he knows, is the ceiling of the geode chamber, with its cold, glimmering resplendence. He can’t see it in the dark, what with the fact that the soft amber light of their bubble of magical force is only visible inside. But Jester probably _can_ see it, with her eyes that are stronger in the dark than his. He envies her that, sometimes; he could more easily protect them all if he could only see a little better. Whatever danger came next, a moment’s more warning could mean the difference between life and death, with the way that the Mighty Nein are living. And though death is natural, it’s not any of these people’s time yet; that much he’s as certain of as he is of anything. 

Jester sighs, looking back down from the ceiling. Her hand goes up to gently stroke Sprinkle’s head before coming back down, fiddling with the hem of her dress distractedly. “I just…” she hesitates longer, the silence stretching out. “Caduceus, do you ever think about the others and just _hurt_? Like, the stuff we found out about them. Nott, and everything that happened to her…it explains so, so much. And Caleb…” her mouth turns down at the corners. “When we first met him, I used to…say things about money, and how I had it and he hadn’t, and I used to make fun of him for being stinky. But I didn’t know things then! I’d just left home, and I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but _he_ didn’t know that, and it must have hurt him, so so much!” her voice is still a whisper, but a hoarse one, verging on a sob. 

“Easy, easy. It’s okay,” he says. “You didn’t know. And I’m sure you apologised…”

She sniffs, nodding. “Of course, I did later. But it still hurt him. And…their lives are all so…so…” she looks up at him. “Nott _died_ , and she’s been missing her son all this time, and her husband got captured! Yasha lost her wife, and Beau’s family are shitty, shitty people. Caleb was hurt so, so bad. Fjord never had a family at all. And I know you never met Molly, but he was one of us, and we loved him. And…and he died, trying to save _me_ from that place!” she looks like she’s about to cry again, the end of her tail twitching with agitation. “He’d already died, and he died again, for real this time, and he had such a short life and I _miss_ him, Caduceus. And I want to be able to stop that from happening to the others, but it’s all so _much_ , and I don’t know if I can…”

She tails off into incoherent, teary mumbling as he leans forward and takes her in his arms, pulling her into a hug. He can feel her tears dampening the front of his tunic, and her body shaking as she struggles to stay absolutely silent. “Shh, sh..I know” he whispers, into her hair. “There’s some heavy, heavy stuff in this group. And you and I…” he stops. He realises then that he doesn’t quite know how to carry on, because it’s the same block in the road that _he’s_ been hitting.

“…You and I are the ones that are supposed to be okay” says Jester, drawing back with a long, shuddering breath.

As is so often the case, he thinks, she’s got it just right. “…And sometimes it’s hard to be okay” he ventures.

“…Yeah. Yeah…sometimes, it’s _really_ hard to be okay” she admits. Her ears droop, and she drops her head, letting her tears now fall into her lap, on top of her clasped hands. “But it’s not for me to hurt over this. I was happy, I grew up loved. I’ve still got my momma, and I can message her whenever I want. It’s like, there’s no _reason_ for me to get to be sad from other people’s things.”

He feels a sinking feeling. “I get that.”

She shaking her head, though. “But, but you…you don’t always have to be okay, either. Your family…you don’t know where they are! I can tell you’re worried about them, even when you say you’re not.” She puts her hand on his wrist, looking up at him. “It’s okay not to be okay about that, Caduceus. You _get_ to be sad, and worried. It’s fine.”

He blinks, surprised she had picked up on that about him. A moment later though, he’s struck by inspiration. “Well if that’s the case, then, you should take your own advice.”

“…Huh?”

“It’s okay not to be okay” he says. He picks up her hand, turning it over between them. “Doesn’t matter if it’s the others, or me, or you. I don’t think that you have to measure what you’ve gone through, how much pain you’ve suffered compared to everyone else, to allow yourself to feel sad. It doesn’t help them, and it certainly doesn’t help you. In fact, it seems to me that the best thing you can do for them is also the best thing you can do for yourself. And that’s _letting_ yourself feel that, sometimes.”

“But…….”

“Let it hurt, and then let it heal. But don’t take their pain on yourself and keep it in there forever because you don’t want them to see how it hurts you too.” He clasps her hand in both of his. “Trying to heal others by taking on everything yourself and showing no signs of pain is never going to work for long.”

She smiles tearily, looking tentatively around at the others, and then back up at him. She inches closer to him, snuggling up to his side, and he wraps an arm around her gladly; this is one of the things he misses about his family, the power of a good hug when someone’s sad, or even just the sort of everyday closeness that comes with living with others. He hadn’t realised quite how much he missed it though, and it’s moments like this that bring it back. 

Jester sniffs, wiping her eyes casually with the trailing silk of his dragonfly sleeve. “Oh, Caduceus,” she says, “you always say really wise things like that. And…I’ll try.” She taps him on the chest, a little sternly. “But only if you do the same, you understand? What you said about healing…it goes for you too. And I’m not gonna let you forget it.”

He smiles, leaning his chin on top of her head between her horns as she hugs him. “Don’t worry” he says, “I’ll to try too.”

“Good” says Jester. “We have a deal, then.” They’re silent for a while, listening to the quiet in the cave; from somewhere he can hear the very faint _plip plip_ of water dripping into pools, distorted strangely by the cavern walls. But other than that it’s eerily still in a way it almost never is above ground. Even in the fragrant peace of the Blooming Grove there’s the shushing of the wind through the graves and the branches, the chittering of small birds and animals and, just sometimes, the whispering of a lonely spirit, if one cares to listen. Here, there’s nothing at all but the distant sound of water and his friends breathing. In the darkness, it feels like that’s all there is in the whole world. Jester’s warmth against his side, her breathing and the beat of her heart is a comfort though, grounding him and helping him to believe that they’re not trapped in an endless void, repeating the same tunnels over and over. 

Finally, Jester draws away from him, narrowing her eyes. “You still really miss your family, right?” she asks. 

“…Yeah” he admits. “Yeah, especially when I see all of you. You’re a family, too.”

“Psh. You’re _part_ of our family, dummy!” she says, flicking her tail against his knee. A grin plays around her lips again. “And I, Doctor Jester Fancypants Lavorre - ”

His eyes widen. “I didn’t know you had a middle name! It’s lovely…really nice.”

“Thanks” says Jester, stifling a giggle. “In my professional opinion, the remedy for missing families - tried and tested by me, on other people - is…snuggling.” She shuffles back to where she was sleeping, patting the ground beside her. “I think I’m ready to go back to sleep now. Wanna sleep too?”

He smiles, shuffling his things over beside her. “I’d love that, actually.” 

There isn’t much room in the little dome, so they’re all close together anyway. He cuddles up between Jester and Yasha, with Jester’s arm flung across his shoulder and her head on his upper arm, they eventually manage to find a position that’s close and comfortable to sleep in. Jester’s warm, her body a few degrees warmer than the others; tieflings, it seems, are the living equivalent of the warming stones his mother used to heat by the fire and then wrap in scraps of cloth to slip beneath his blankets for him and his siblings on cold winter nights. And it’s welcome in this dark, stony place. She looks up at the ceiling, and again he wonders if she’s looking up at the shimmering crystal that he can’t see, far up there in the darkness, before she turns away again, tucking her face into his chest with a smile. 

“Goodnight Caduceus” she says, wiggling a little to get more comfortable before going still. And then, so softly that he wouldn’t have caught it if it wasn’t said against his body, the words vibrating through him from just above his heart, “thank you.”

He gathers her close. “Thank you too, Jester. And sleep well.”

And in a surprisingly short time, they’re both fast asleep.


End file.
